Gabe has been studying the dark arts since the early 19th century. When he is not partying with the band he caries on his master’s work, counter-crusading against the Secret Spanish Inquisition that has been covertly operating outside the law since its public dismantling in 1834. Though his power level has never been officially confirmed Gabe is known to hold at least a first-degree black belt in the following styles: Druid, VooDoo, Wicca, Scythian, Romuva, Jedi, Shibari, Taoism, Hellenism, Yoga Flame, Rush Hour 3, Baba Ram Dass, Some Kind of Vaguely Celtic Something-or-Other, Sun Warrior Fire Bending, Incense Burning, Lets all go Vegan for a Month, Pinko Commie, NWO, and SubGenius.
“Hey babe, do you wanna come back to my place and peep on my mad dizzy occult swag?” That’s right, no ladies can resist the allure of Gabe’s silver tongue, among his other silver things, as he shows off his various fantastic trinkets pre-coitus. Those lucky enough to wander into his den of desire and light but firm punishment might glimpse various wonders from this world and beyond such as the Bacalum of Constantine, the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, and the other two Sankara Stones from that movie with the unbelievable life raft.
Experts predict that within the next decade Gabe will likely succeed in transfiguring himself into a full-on Hellboy and subsequently ascend to the 22nd floor of 550 Central Park West where he will binge-watch episodes of the French murder/mystery series “Balthazar” with his new buddies Baphamet, Beelzebub, and the Balrog.
Needless to say, Gabe is the favorite member of the band.
So, when you are alone in your home and out of the corner of your consciousness you can hear the faintest sound of someone drumming, it is probably Gabe accidentally astral-projecting as he practices his craft.
He was born during an earthquake-tornado in the saloon car of a flaming locomotive train rocketing toward the pacific northwest. He flew right out of his mother with a 6-string in his hands, executed a perfect tre flip darkslide, and cold-cocked the physician’s assistant so hard that he temporarily distorted the spacetime continuum effectively becoming the reason for Joseph Hooker’s resignation and George G. Meade’s appointment and subsequent victory at the Battle of Gettysburg.
He escaped society and was raised in the wilderness by a herd of white-tailed deer. He spent his childhood kicking the ever-loving shit out of all those self-satisfied raised-by-wolves idiots who thought they were so hardcore. At the age of seven he felt that he had learned all and conquered all in that domain so he fashioned tools from the land, tracked down and wrestled to death a wild boar, cooked its meat, tanned its hide, shaped and tacked from the leather boots and boot straps, and pulled his own ass up by that which he created.
He strode into town. His eyes were as icy as Cotton, Minnesota in February, his fists were as furious as a thousand horny badgers, his thighs were as creamy as Country Crock with just a little bit of olive oil mixed in. The locals took one look and they knew they were staring at a real American hero.
Designed in Canada, Built in Mexico, and Assembled in the United States of America Ryan is a mostly duty-free product of NAFTA. His original directive was to provide oral stimulation to the secret female members of the secret service but half way through the whole assignment some wires got crossed and he started sucking mad dick instead. Fortunately, his advanced programming allowed him to pin a few particular high-profile mishaps on a single White House intern.
It was around the time of, and likely as a result of, the release of Weird Al’s tenth studio album, “Running With Scissors” that Ryan officially passed the Turing test and with that developed an interest in using his mouth for something other than munching crotch. It was then he began singing. On his official march to what the contemporary science fiction writers are now calling ‘Sapience” (giving the discussion of consciousness over to the clip/magazine, affect/effect, holier than thou know-it-all corrector squad who have literally never used the phrase “I knew what you meant”) he heard somewhere that doing a standing back-flip was like 90 percent mental and only 10 percent physical so he tried it, entirely failed, mostly exploded, and had to be rebooted.
He awoke with the ability to love and Ryan 2.0 naturally has spent most of his existence since that moment disappointed.
Look at Mikey, Look at him go.
There he goes yeah, Look at him go.
I said Hey, Ho, Look at him go.
Look at that guy it’s Mikey, GO!